Not sure if it was the sudden loss of security or the lack of faith that threw me into a pit. I stopped caring. I lost all feeling. I lost days, weeks, months. Everything was a blur. Funnily enough, drugs weren’t involved. I’m not sure if that would have been better. It seems my void didn’t end with me. I was so stuck in my head I didn’t realize the hole I was helping my own sister dig. With only a couple years age difference, I was leading her down the same dark path. As I buried myself, I left chaos in the wake. Learning new things in the aftermath is not something that anyone ever expects. To be told how self-centered you are. To have a new burning hatred for someone you once loved.
I’d like to say that I pulled myself out, but I can’t. I was down for so long, that I decided to make tunnels. I explored myself. I picked my brain to find the root cause. I took the time to eliminate my surrounds, pull myself to my knees and crawl around. I may be down, but I’m not out. A saying that can only be taken to its fullest meaning when surrounded by the tallest fires.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has that family member that always disapproves of you. No matter what you do. What about the family member who always has to shoot down your dreams? Tells you that you’re not good enough. Maybe even telling you that you’re fat and throwing around cruel jokes. What could you have possibly done to deserve this treatment?
What about when you grow up and start a family of your own? Do they still attack you? Have the jokes gotten any better? Have they learned how to accept you for you? Are you still unworthy?
No, you’re not. They are. Cutting off toxic family members is something that I still struggle with. How can I still subject myself to people who treat me so? I tell myself that this is the way they are. I give a free pass to treat me poorly. I understand that everyone has problems. I understand some challenges that they have faced in their life scarred them deeply. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t scarred as well.
I give them the permission to disrespect me because I have a problem standing up for myself. Remember now, those years you spent under their roof being brought down, kicked around and spat out. How do I unfold years of damage caused? How can I possibly fix myself while still taking blows? Some say you can’t. that you have to leave them. Turn your back and walk away for good.
How can I turn my back on someone who is hurting so deeply? How can I walk away from the very ones that I want to save?
You can’t save those who don’t want to be. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned.
CatMysterium 